Meat loaf - I would do anything for love (but i won’t do that)

We now begin the magical journey into the realm of Meat Loaf. I should preface everything I’m about to say with the honest truth that I know every single lyric to every Meat Loaf song, and therefore I’m to blame, because people like me are why they (being the people who did a bunch of coke in a bathroom and came up with the idea for this video) were allowed to make this epic-ally Meat Loaf wet-dream in the first place.

This is the summer blockbuster of music videos. It has everything for everyone. romance, helicopter chases, meat dressed up as some kind of goblin/beast man. a hot brunette that wants you to douse her in holy water while she’s levitating in the air on a couch. And let’s not forget the most important character in this tour de force: flashlight FBI man.

That’s right, you’ll see him. And let me tell you his presence will not be denied, he’s always there with his trusty flashlight to help the cops see down that hallway. To look determined in the face of guitar solos. Many have wondered why he’s looking for Meat Loaf. I personally subscribe to the theory that meat loaf has seduced his wife (hot brunette holy water slut) with his goblin voice. Or maybe it’s that meat loaf is some kind of perverted voyeur because he’s always watching the hot brunette get ravaged by other chicks in that bed, and he’s like the original “to catch a predator” host. Whatever the reason, he’s out there, picking up random bits of clues and holding them up to his magical flashlight (which i assume shows him some kind of clue). i only wish that one day I’ll see a deleted scene in which FBI flashlight man has his own solo.

In the end, FBI man is unable to capture and detain Goblin Meat Loaf for questioning (i.e. waterboarding) and the holy water slut is able to de-goblinize Meat Loaf with her sexually transmitted disease. Which, I guess is the lesser of two evils.

-Tony

Bonnie Tyler - Total Eclipse of the Heart

First of all, welcome to epicmusicvideos.tumblr.com! We hope to bring you more epic music videos, the good ones as well as epically horrifyingly bizarre videos like this one. Stay tuned.

This god-forsaken, totally bizarre cluster bomb of nonsense is what started it all. There is literally too much to mention here about why this is epic mindfuckery.

I’ll be honest, I’d never even seen this video until it showed up the other day on the tumblr-dashboard. It starts off as all good, romantic, stab-me-in-the-eyes-I’m-so-bored videos from the 80’s - a creepy-ass old place.

But where’s Bonnie!? I hear her but I don’t see her epic hair yet! Frilly things and candles co-exist peacefully, and then - HOLY SHIT BALLS THERE ARE NINJAS IN THIS VIDEO!?

I’m still trying to process what I just saw when a DEMON-MAN-CHILD WITH GLOWING EYES appears. Then someone douses the swim team in water and some dudes re-enact Bad: the broadway musical and dancingfootballplayersohmygodmybrainsjustleakedout.

SPOILER ALERT: I finally made it to the end of this video, I always cut it off before the end. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised to learn that Bonnie used to be a Headmaster and that she’s totally lusting after youngin’s.

…..

I have resigned myself to the fact that some cocaine-riddled director that probably still walks around LA with his long black hair, frilly David Copperfield shirts, and purple Ozzy Osbourne shades trying to convince people that he was of sound mind and body when this was made.

All else aside, the last 20 seconds of this video, from 5:10 - 5:30, I think will do two things for my existence. Number one, it will always make me laugh because I know that there is someone out there whose life sucks worse than mine, because no matter how bad it gets, I’m not THAT GUY. Number two, it will probably be on a permanent loop for me in hell.

- Matt